Okay, I know I haven't even introduced myself yet. But I've got to get this off my chest. I got another one of THOSE phone calls last night. You know the ones. Where yet another of your close girl friends calls to let you know that she's pregnant. And you want to be happy for her. You really do. But deep inside all you can think is, "Why can't that be me?" I mean, what did I ever do wrong? Wouldn't I be a good mother? I'm not asking for much. Just ONE would be nice... But alas, it will never be. At least, not the being pregnant part.
Alright, so I'll introduce myself... I'm 28 years old and I was born with complex congenital heart defects. Rather than go into all the details, let's just say my heart is really screwed up. So much so that pregnancy is pretty much out of the question if I want to be around to be a mother to the kid. Or at least, that's what the doctors tell me today. They've gone back and forth on the issue so many times I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. I finally gave up all hope when I had my valve replaced and was put on coumadin for life. I wasn't asked if I wanted a tissue or mechanical. I wasn't given a choice, like so many other women have been. But it's probably for the best. I know that some women have been able to carry a pregnancy on lovenox, but there's not much point in holding out THAT hope, since doctors are now talking transplant in the next 5-10 years for me. I really don't think the coumadin is what's preventing me from getting pregnant (not to mention the 5 million other meds I'm on for my heart!).
At any rate, my husband and I have gone back and forth on the kid issue. Do we adopt, do we go surrogacy, do we go kidless? So many options... Though we both know that if I could get pregnant there would be no question. We would have kids. We both love them. He would make such a great dad. I don't think I'd do too badly as a mom. And we have a lot of love to give. But it's not as simple as stopping the pill or checking a calendar for us. And we wonder if it's worth the hassel. Especially since we don't know how long I'll have enough energy to keep up with a child. It isn't fair. And most of the time I try to put it out of my mind. But when I get a phone call like last night, that little hole in my soul grows a little bigger...
Niki
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