Three years ago at the end of this coming May, I went to see my cardiologist to find out about switching my heart medication so that we could start trying to conceive. ( I had severe mitral valve regurgitation.)
I guess I should have known it was bad news when his physicians assistant gave me a funny look and said that he wanted my doctor to talk to me about it. Then the doctor came in the room, looked me right in the eye and told me that I should avoid pregnancy at all costs. He said that my heart would not support a pregnancy. That it would not end well.
I didn't say much. It was all I could do to keep myself together. I didn't want to cry in front of them. So, my doctor and I hugged goodbye and we left. I made a beeline for the nearest restroom, where I went in to a stall, sat on the floor and started to bawl.
Walking out of the hospital, my husband said, "It will be okay, we'll adopt." I shook my head in agreement, but I was devastated. I didn't stop crying for a good year.
For the next year, I pretty much sat on my couch, cut myself off from my friends, watched a lot of those "birth stories" shows, a lot of "adoption stories", and started to read lots of books on adoption, and mourned the fact that I would never feel a baby inside of me. It was grueling. I couldn't talk about it without crying.
Once I sat in a doctor's office and started to sob as I explained my heart condition and what it meant. She didn't know what to do other than to hand me a tissue, give me some anti-depressant samples and suggest that I see a therapist.
Then one day, I was okay. Of course, this was a year and a half or so later. I was able to talk about it without crying. I was okay. I had worked my way through the grief. I had embraced adoption, and was excited about becoming a parent though adoption. It was wonderful! I was able to breathe again!
In December of 2003, I went to see my cardiologist for a check up. We were planning on starting the adoption process in January of 2004, and I wanted to make sure that I was healthy enough to proceed. As luck would have it, I wasn't. I needed valve replacement.
Before I could have my valve replaced, I had to choose the type of valve I wanted. Tissue or mechanical The tissue valve would allow me to endure a pregnancy, but I was told that the mechanical meant no pregnancy.
I couldn't believe it, after all of that time believing that I would never have the opportunity, here it was....and I had to make a huge decision. Tissue or mechanical. Another valve replacement in 10 years and the chance at pregnancy or one valve for life and no pregnancy.
To be continued.....
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